Category: 
December 31, 2008
my mom is an accomplished professional artist.
her medium is oil paints.
she gave me my first art lesson the other day.
it didn’t go so well.
after five hours, my mountains looked like the ocean, the ocean looked like the sky and the sky looked like nonfat milk.
but i think it was when i tried to patch the whole thing up with a heather field that ma snapped.
ma: bobby, what are you doin’? what is that now?
me: a field of the finest irish heather.
ma: a what?
me: a heather patch.
ma: not on this planet. let me see here for a second. gimme your pallet.
she frantically tried to create the right color green from the mess on my pallet.
ma: your pallet is one big color, and it’s gray brown at that. what the heck did you do?
me: yeah, it’s drab. i like drab.
ma: heather can’t be drab. i’ll drab ya.
ma (continued): i can’t make green from these colors. i’m going to need art lessons myself after this is over. i can’t continue this. it’s ruining my art eye. ya ever think that maybe you’re better off sticking to the guitar?
me: wow! that bad! maybe i should go back to painting by numbers.
ma: yeah! paint by numbers! that’s a great idea! paint to 100,000 and come back in five years and we’ll take it from there.
me: but i’ll lose interest by then.
ma: exactly! and where’s your father? i need a gimlet and i need it now!
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