post Category: Actual Humor post Comments (0) postFebruary 8, 2010

I was a freakishly tall kid.

In the 6th grade I was 5′6.

Another girl, Vicky (her parents were from Scandinavia) and I were the tallest kids in elementary school.

We had to be friends as a defense against the social and emotional cannibalism of average sized children.

And if that ain’t tragic enough, my family was poor (yeah, yeah, we were so poor we couldn’t even pay attention… whatever).

I wore second hand clothing that was generously given to my family by neighbors whose kids had outgrown them.

Okay, did I mention I was freakishly tall?

Okay, Did I mention the words outgrown by other kids—who were not freakishly tall?

My new pants were always Capri’s (and not on purpose, and not the style in the mid to late sixties).

There is nothing more awkward than orange bell bottom Capri’s on a gangly kid with huge feet and bright red hair.

Go ahead, think about it for 3 seconds.

Yep, a frolicking, trippin’-over-her-own-feet, orange Q-tip in huge penny-loafers-without-the pennies-on-account-of-we spent-the-pennies-on-paying attention.

No hand me downs for me.

Everything was a hand me UP.

Hand me up means something completely different to me today.

A hand me up is like an upgrade.

Your couch is ugly, your friend moves and gives your her nicer couch. That is a hand me up.

I have received so many sweet hand me ups from friends who thought it would make my life groovier than orange bell bottoms.

From passed on furniture to pay-it-forward surprises to amazing recycled jewelry and inherited art supplies.

I am very thankful for hand me ups.

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..and that’s why I’m not allowed in the men’s room at work ever again.

Perhaps I shall back up.

I walked into the men’s room the other day to pee.

This in and of itself is not news, as I AM human.

Plus they don’t let me pee at my desk anymore since the whole ‘ruined the recycling bin’ incident.

Whatever.

I stepped up to the urinal and prepared to release Mr. Wiggly.

I mean, um, THOR.

YES! I PREPARED TO UNLEASH THOR THE WONDER SNAKE!

Much more threatening.

Oooh! I have goosebumps! You?

I’ve digressed.


Regardless…

As I looked down into the urinal…I saw something…

Different.

Amidst the normal little pink urinal cakes (FYI, pink is THE best flavor)…were THESE:

(click to enlarge..the blurriness is my sucky fucking Verizon piece-of-shit-I-guess-you-get-what-you-pay-for-when-the-camera-is-free fucking camera phone)


?!?!

There are nickel-sized, like, rocks or some shit in the urinals.

The fuck are these things?

I first start thinking that HOLY SHIT THESE ARE FUCKING KIDNEY STONES and now I’m picturing some poor bastard who eats too much cheese saddling his fat ass up to the urinal and squeezing boulders out his urethra but then I’m, like, ‘Well..I probably would have heard the guy screaming like it was his first night showering in prison or maybe the things PING PANG PWOOONNG! ricocheting off the porcelain or something’ so I went with guess number two:

GEMS.

YES! They are precious gemstones from the mythical land Urinasia brought by tiny little fairies that reek of the insides of nursing homes ESPECIALLY that creepy old lady that they stick in a chair at the end of the hall who keeps sticking her tongue out when you walk by and is just going “BLOO BLOO BLOO BLOO” and you’re all like, ‘fuck this shit, I really hope I die before I end up turning into piss-stink-tongue-grandma.’

Fucking nursing homes.

Seriously. Put a fucking bullet in my head first, please.


Where was I?

Oh..Fairy Imported Urinasia Precious Urinal Gemstones.

Then I realized that I was about to piss myself because I’d been standing there for ten minutes thinking of writing these stupid paragraphs, plus I didn’t have one of those mining things to pan them out of there.

So I pissed on them instead.

When in Rome…um..pee on..uh…weird urinal rock things.


Then I put Mr. Wig..then I reeled in Thor the Wonder Snake, stood back…

..and took those pictures you see above.

And it was on or around this EXACT moment in time that - even though I’d been marveling at these kidney-piss fairy-gems in here for ten minutes…

…that someone walked in.

Our eyes meet.

And there I am.

Shitty fucking Verizon camera phone in hand.

Taking pictures of the inside of the urinals.

How. Awesome.

You know…

Shit like this wouldn’t happen if they’d just give me back my recycling bin at my desk.

I bet I could trade one of these gems for one.

I might not need this mining pan after all.

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I wish all my visitors a 2010 filled with peace, love, health, prosperity, joy, happiness, courage, wisdom and contentment. Let’s face the New Year with renewed hope in a better and fairer world.
If you allow me, I’d like to extend these wishes to all the people on earth!

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Some people deserve to experience the torturous Chinese legal and penal system.

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post Category: Actual Humor post Comments (0) postFebruary 7, 2010

There must be a full moon over DUmmieland tonight. Tonight, in this, DUmmieland’s current “Greatest” THREAD, DUmmie Jeffersons Ghost reveals, for the first time, “I was an operative for the CIA.”

The moonbat barkings are in Raving Lunatic Red, while the commentary of your humble guest correspondent, Charles Henrickson, spending a few days in rainy Orange County, California, is in the [brackets]:

I was an operative for the CIA

[That's funny, I was a teenage werewolf.]

I still enjoy giving the spooks hell as they try to shadow one of the best there ever was.

["Spooks"--that must be a bit of that CIA insider lingo there, thus showing that you really WERE a CIA operative!]

They expend many man-hours because I know way toO much and keep threatening to reveal it all at multiple library terminals.

[The Man Who Knew ToO Much.]

if they’d stop toying with me online, I’d “Let It Be” but they’re ALL control freaks. . . .

[Whisper words of wisdom, let it be. . . .]

I suspect they might try killing me and I no longer give a f***.

[What tipped you off that they might try to kill you? When they inserted a chip in your buttocks?]

Unlike the general public, on 9/11 we were already using wireless in the unregulated bandwidths to relay internet from the Bellsouth Tower to tier 3 ISPs for clandestine purposes.

[What's the frequency, Kenneth?]

If you recommend this OP to the top, I’ve got plenty more to tell.

[OP to the top!]

If it doesn’t climb the greatest page, I’ll know our police-state government has blocked another one of my posts, violating my constitutional rights again and head to the libraries, where it’s hard to stop my posts.

[There's a guy like you who hangs out at the library near my house. I see him muttering to himself sometimes, standing outside the entrance, looking through the trash for cigarette butts. Always wears the same clothes. Must be a former-CIA thing.]

MORE TO FOLLOW…

[More spooks to follow you around, Jeffersons Ghost. Why, some of them might be your fellow DUmmies . . .]

Did you get dental with that?

[Did you get mental with that?]

ha ha… I see you’re an insider. . . . tell my so-called friends dental would have been a bargain. Allowing me to run my little false-flag fun would have been even cheaper than dental. Control freak leaders are fools.

[There's a false flag on the play!]

ERW7 993H5 RHJ58896-7

[They've given you a number and taken away your name. . . .]

Getting out my tin foil hat, and popping some popcorn.

[If you use Jiffy Pop, you've killed two birds with one stone.]

Please give my kind regards to Agent Mike.

[They've given Agent Mike a name and taken away his number.]

+1

[OK, so he's got both.]

Did you know Poppa Bush?

["Here's a little something we learned in CIA. . . ."]

I love unregulated bandwidths. tell me more.

[DU tell.]

TOMORROW NIGHT PART TWO…

[This is going to be one of those serial things, right? "TOMORROW NIGHT PART FOURTEEN..."]

Will it be encrypted?

[Will I need my Little Orphan Annie Decoder Riing?]

This seems more like something from Art Bell.

[Jeffersons Ghost to Ghost with Art Bell.]

Culinary Institute of America prefers the term “chef” to “operative”.

[Is that you, Julia Child?]

I was given the same treatment here. You have to be cleared for weird to understand.

[All of DUmmieland has been cleared for weird. Lifetime pass.]

And I’m the Queen of Spain.

[The reign in Spain stays mainly in the insane.]

Good to see you, your majesty.

[It's good to be the queen.]

We have our own “Agent Mike” here. He is keeping tabs on you.

[We've got you miked.]

I got to be “Agent Mike” one day last week…it was tons of fun

[Mike for a Day, Queen for a Day . . . It's always something in our DUmmie FUnnie Farm!]

with my threats what life I have left is a thrill a minute. I love the day to day cat and mouse stuff in my life now. I can smell a spook a mile away. it’s like a game to me.

[Of Mice and Mental.]

Fossil shell flour? Just imagine if some of that, say a heaping tablespoon, fell into water which you were about to drink and somehow got stirred into it.

[Do you realize that fossil shell flouridation is the most monstrously conceived and dangerous Communist plot we have ever had to face?]

One of the ways agencies get away with sh*t is that so many don’t believe things can exist. It is amazing, really, how many wear blinders.

[There are none so blind as those who wear blinders.]

Ken Weaver, the original drummer throughout the 60s for the counterculture/anti-war/pro-pot/anarchist band The Fugs was a translator for the CIA in the 1980s.

[Maybe he can translate this thread.]

Many of us here work for intel, to monitor, manipulate, disrupt. As many as 1 in 5.

[And the other 4 are LOUSY FREEPER TROLLS!!!]

intell, partisan promoters, corporate sponsored posters..Sometimes I wonder if I am one of five people NOT paid to post on DU

[Maybe you're a corporate sponsored poster and DON'T EVEN KNOW IT! Did you ever think of that? They could be putting fossil shell flour in your water.]

Then you must know why cocaine and heroin are jokes to the real insiders. You also know the about the unmitigated agreement regarding sex between the well know and powerful around the world. Some times the said goes unsaid.

[That goes without saying.]

Are you trying to sell a script?

[I think he needs to GET a scrip!]

SOSUS goes back to WWII. Some of the test equipment still has Nazi waffenampts. I used to have to look at it every day at work.

[If you had to look at waffenampts every day, you'd be crazy too!]

This reads like paranoid schizophrenia.

[PERFECT for DUmmieland!]

True or false, this will be more exciting than my dissertation

[ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ. . . . . .]

Short story… When we built our house in the country my husband woke me up one night. There was a light in the woods going back in forth in a pattern. He said, “That looks like a homing device.”

[If a light goes back and forth in the woods, and there's no one sane around to see it, does it become a homing device?]

The fox is in the hen house, over.

[The Fox is in the Henrickson house, over.]

John has a long mustache.

[John Kerry has your back.]

A tier 3 ISP would be the slowest sort, and they purchase their connection via a tier one. If tier 1 ISPs are the international conglomerates… tier 3 ISPs are the local mom & pop stores. . . . A tier one ISP would be the interstate highway system, a tier three would be the two lane road that leads to your house.

[The tiers of a clown.]

How can a thread that just got off the ground be so loaded down so quickly with old operatives. . . ?

[Because the old operatives themselves are loaded.]

CIA op

[CIAO!]

Hey! I’m CIA too! Whatdoyaknow? Small world!

[DUmmieland is LOUSY with spooks!]

My hovercraft is full of eels
Mon aéroglisseur est plein d’anguilles
Mia kusenveturilo estas plena je angiloj
Harahefet sh’eli mele’ah betzlofahim
My skeertuig is vol palings

[Min DUFU är uppfylld av små bävrar.]

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It is the first full day in America for Nils and Beauregard. They awaken early to find some hybrid horror of orgy and slaughter is underway in Maine. The lobsters have surrendered and are exiting the sea to give themselves up to mankind.

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Snowjob.

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This week, to keep things interesting, and to get away from Sweetie’s bland responses on why she likes the Hunks, I’ve decided to do the entire thing in Limerick form!

So, there once was a man from...

Um.

I once knew a guy who… Um.

Darn. I’m stumped. Okay, scrap that. This week’s Hunk of the Week is:

Oliver Martinez!

You don’t know him without you have seen the sex scene in Unfaithful, which should be remembered as “That movie that appeared to be advising couples to reinvigorate their marriage through murder,” but instead is known as “That movie which made Diane Lane famous enough to give her a part in The Perfect Storm, even though her part in the Storm movie had her playing the fiance of Marky Mark, who is approximately 30 years younger than her. And also, it had Oliver Martinez in it.

Oliver Martinez played the character of “Sexy Guy Who Likes To Read And Also Finds Older Women Very Attractive.” There are tons of those around, right? He thus joins the pantheon of entirely-fictional characters made up by, and for, women, including:

Sexy vampire who likes Goth girl for, instead of in spite of, her depression, and

Cool surfer guy who nevertheless develops responsibility while still maintaining great tan and killer abs, and

Guy in commercial whose wife uses all their credit card points on a dress for herself instead of a fabulous vacation for both of them, and yet he not only doesn’t get mad, he loves her more for it. (Not pictured, but trust me, he exist

I’m going to write a movie starring all those guys, and make more money than Avatar and Titanic combined.

Speaking of which, here are two points I’d like to raise about Avatar:

1. Do you think that soon, James Cameron is going to make Titanic Avatar, in which Jack comes back from the dead, via an avatar, and meets Old Decrepit Rose and gives her an avatar and the two of them can live together forever, and, if so, do you think that movie would be awesome? Me, too.

2. Don’t the avatars look a little like Thundercats?:


“Is it true, Zoe Saldana? Do we look like Thundercats?”


“Maybe just a little, guy who was also in Terminator.
Just a little. Plus, is it just me or do the two young
Thundercats appear to be missing pants in that picture?”

How am I the only one to notice that? Because I’m smarter than most everyone? Or better looking? (I think it’s probably a little of both.)

Anyway, Oliver Martinez was probably also in other movies, but I only remember him as The Guy Who Raised The Bar For Me. Previously, I thought it was good enough to like reading and be a sensitive guy. (I’m not sensitive, but I can usually pretend that I know what Sweetie has been talking about and make some kind of comment that makes her think I was listening/caring.) Now, though, I’ve got to be a guy who likes reading, is sensitive, and who also doesn’t ever eat pizza for both breakfast and dessert in the same day:


I bet he’s sucking in his gut.

Thing That Makes You Go Hmmm About Him: He’s French. Isn’t that enough? Also, his dad was a Spanish professional boxer. And he first rose to fame in the movie “Un, Deux, Trois, Soleil,” which I can only assume was a biopic about Soleil Moon Frye, who is beloved by the French, and probably also the Spanish, too.

Also, he placed 15th in something called The 101 Sexiest Celebrity Bodies, a show which aired on USA in 2005. Diane Lane, his co-star in Unfaithful, placed 96th. Richard Gere did not place on that list, but only because by then he was 113 years old, legally dead, but somehow still filming, with the Olsen Twins, a never-released romantic comedy tentatively titled Five Times As Old Equals Five Times As Romantic.

(While women create roles based on “The Men They Wished Existed,” men create movies based on “Rules They Wished Applied In Real Life.” That’s how “Pretty Woman (Falls In Love With Older Guy)” gets made, as well as how other equally-improbable movies get made, movies like “Kevin James Has A Shot At A Supermodel” and “Rob Schneider Doesn’t Work At Arby’s As A Night Manager.”)

Here’s another thing that makes you go hmmm about Oliver Martinez: He was never in a Law & Order, ever. And yet, Sweetie still knows who he is! Strange but true! (I once thought about pasting my picture onto the TV set so that Sweetie would think I’d been in Law & Order. And also to cover up the spot where I let Mr Bunches draw on it one day.)

Reason I Assumed Sweetie Liked Him: He was really good at sex in Unfaithful. Really good. Like, I should be taking notes good. Here’s some snippets:

He’s like a Sex Professor (which is another job that men would create in the movies. “Richard Gere is The Sex Professor.”)(That movie doesn’t even need a plot. It’ll be released in 3 months.)

Actual Reason Sweetie Likes Him:He’s so sexy.


More specific, please, Sweetie, you’re getting kind of general with these reasons. “I like his face. It’s very sexy.”

Come on, Sweetie, saying I think he’s hunky because he’s sexy is like saying that’s a circle because it circles things. Give me something to work with here. What is it about his face? “How many times do I have to tell you? It’s beautiful. His eyes, his lips, his nose.”

Point I’d Like To Make About Sweetie’s Actual Reason For Liking Him: Sweetie, he was really good at the sex. Really. Most people probably don’t even realize he has a face…

…on the other hand, by pointing that out, I’ve unwittingly raised the bar further. Sorry, guys. Now we have to be sensitive and like reading and finds older women attractive and has a face that is magical and be good at sex.

At least I’ve got one of those things. And luckily for me, Sweetie is younger than me, so that counts as two. Which one should I work on next, I wonder?


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The great global warming collapse – The Globe and Mail

Not sure if you follow this stuff or not but with all the rain and snow this week in the USA I thought you might want to read something on it. It is a great read because the people who are writing it still believe in Warming but realize the movement has ended.

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post Category: Actual Humor post Comments (0) postFebruary 6, 2010

*******************

Motivate THIS.

(points at crotch)

Nothing to see here today…

…except a custom “motivational poster” made by yours truly over at Big Huge Labs.

Seriously…

…I have no idea how I made it almost 40 years without finding this thing.

Here’s today’s poster for you (click to enlarge (that’s what she said)):


It’s true.

They can’t climb trees.

Don’t ask me how I know this.

If you want to see all of my custom posters, click here.

You can also purchase Authentic “Motivate THIS” Mental Poo Merchandise at the ‘Mental Poo’ store, or click any of the images below to be taken right there.

Yeah. I’m in it for the money.

Duh.

Moog out.

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