post Category: Actual Humor post Comments (0) postJuly 3, 2009
“He’ll probably get offered a book deal.
Sweetie, about The Boy’s blog.

The Boy wanted to start up a blog, and asked me how to do it. I think he was bolstered by the fact that his list of villains was far-and-away the most popular thing on The Best Of Everything last month.

So last night, I sat down and showed him how to create and account and helped him come up with a name for his blog (Mean True Things, a name that came from him saying “I only say mean things when they’re true” in response to my telling him to think up a saying that he likes). He completed his first test post and then I left him on his own and went upstairs to bed to report to Sweetie what we’d done.

Sweetie, who knows that I’m trying to springboard all my writing and blogs and stuff that I do instead of “actual work” into Hawaii, etc., said today’s quote, and she’s right. For all I know, The Boy has a three-book deal with movie rights optioned already.

In fact, when he came downstairs this morning, he was on his cell phone and didn’t answer when I asked who he was talking to. He said he got a call in the middle of the night. It was probably Steven Spielberg.

You can read The Boy’s Blog here.

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post Category: Actual Humor post Comments (0) postJuly 2, 2009

A pipe-smoking mother tends to her children in a rather windswept Romany encampment on the Epsom Downs, circa 1910.

Children at a Gypsy encampment at Epsom help with the laundry chores the day before the Derby, circa 1935.

A makeshift tent in a gypsy encampment on Hurtwood Common Surrey, Jan 30, 1934.

Gypsy women and a baby in an encampment overshadowed by gasometers and strewn with rubbish, July 28th, 1951.

Gypsy children play in squalid and overcrowded encampment at Corkes Meadow Kent, July 28, 1951.

A Romany woman cooks dinner in an iron pot hung over an open fire at the Corkes Meadow encampment in Kent, July 1951.

A Romany woman combing her sons matted hair outside her tent in an encampment on Corke’s Meadow Kent, July 1951.

A policeman inspecting a license at a gypsy encampment on Kings Moor near Tenby, May 1935.

London missionary and friend of the gypsies William Larmour talks over problems with elders of tribe in the Corkes meadow encampment, overshadowed by gasometers and strewn with rubbish, July 1951.

Galician Gypsy Encampment, Wandsworth 1911

A Romany family on the steps of their caravan at the Corkes Meadow encampment in Kent, July 1951.

Mrs Robert Matthew, an MPs wife campaigning at a gypsy encampment, October 1951.

An old Romany turns his hand to the traditional Romany trade of tinkering (scrap metal dealing) at the Corke’s Meadow encampment in Kent, July 1951.

But it wasn’t all rubbish, squalor, and hard work. There was family, fun, freedom, and fresh air too.

Famous Spanish dancer Antonio with some Brtitish gypsies, October 1956.

A family of gypsies sitting outside their caravan on an encampment at Brook Farm during the fruit picking season, September 1942.

Father and son have a talk, July 1951.

Grandmother Eyres keeps eye on the children whilst mother prepares supper on gypsy encampment in Surrey. Despite their lifestyle, the Eyres family was a prosperous one, owning several plots of freehold land, circa 1946.

A boxing match in progress between two gypsy boys on the Corkes Meadow encampment in Kent, circa 1951.

A young Romany woman in an encampment on Corkes Meadow, Kent, July 1951.

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Road trip beginning today.В 

Stay tuned.В 

Back next week with plenty of “Nose-Out-Of-The-Window” details…

Chow!

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While tucking into a piece of chewing gum it pulled an inlay out of a tooth. Which makes sense, it could hardly pull a reinforced pin from a broken leg. Unfortunately this happened while I was visiting Sparkling. Having been advised the local dentists were butchers who had past a first aid test in dentistry, I had no choice but to put up with it and ring my own dentist. Even though it was a kind of emergency, seeing as the dental material was gradually coming out of the tooth each time I brush my teeth, I still was unable to get an appointment until tomorrow. Although not ideal it will have to do. To remind myself I had to find my inlay and put it in a a pocket for tomorrow I wrote on the back of my hand the word “inlay” in biro. This has haunted me all afternoon and evening until I was prompted by a very sharp memory it was now time to get it ready. Horror of horrors, I could not find it in the place I put it. But I thought to myself, stay calm and you’ll find it. So I looked where I had put it and used deduction, taking items out of the draw until it appeared. Miracle of miracles it did appear. With relief I have now put it in an envelope and will get it fixed tomorrow. All I hope is I am not stung an arm and a leg by my dentist, who is generally quite good. Sparkling of course advised me after my inlay had come out, the piece of chewy I had found had been laying about for a while, before I stuck my inlay into it. I don’t know if the age of the gum made it tough but next time I’ll think twice because I’m quite happy with the teeth I have, and if they have to come out then I’d rather it was in another twenty or thirty years time. The latter preferably.

So this evening I watch the biro’d word on the back of my hand get smudged by sweat as I tried out the treadmill. The first time in a couple of weeks. I cursed myself and even sent a text message to Sparkling asking why it is I didn’t exercise when I last saw her, not forgetting why it is I eat so much. Maybe it’s love? Being happy and contented makes you eat, lose your inlays and then despair every meal afterwards can only be eaten on one side of your mouth. Needless to say the gym was murder this evening I just hope my heart calms down enough so I can actually get some sleep tonight. I wouldn’t mind but the temperature of the house hit 30 degrees Celsius. I opened all the upstairs windows and now it’s cooled to 27 degrees Celsius. Hooray. There I was worried about an inlay, heart palpitations and facing a large dental bill when the heat came along and added another straw to this fat man’s back.

Sleep comes quickly to the peaceful mind, the pure at heart and the worn out fat ones. All I need now is to be woken up by the cat snoring.

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How my wife deals with teaching kindergarten at an inner-city school is beyond me.

She puts up with a lot, like:

1) Tantrums
2) Unintelligible conversations
3) Whining
4) Unrelenting verbal Abuse

And that’s just when I call her cell phone.

Imagine what the kids who can’t speak English do.

Crazy fucking shit, my friends.

Fo shizzle.


But, she also gives me a lot of fodder for this blog.

Like today.

One of the parents had to fill out some form that the school required.

I believe that conversation went like this:

Wife: “You have to fill out this form.”

Parent: “Que?”

Wife: “YOU. HAVE. TO. FILL. OUT. THIS. FORM.”

(it works better if you speak loud and slow to immigrants)

Parent: “Que?…Eh…er…potato potato potato potato.”

(I believe all Spanish I’ve ever heard sounds just like the word ‘potato’ over and over again…TRY IT AT HOME, KIDS!)


Somehow, my wife got them to sign the form.

Or, as they say in Spanish, “Goya de Cerveza.”

Regardless…here’s the form.

Nothing worthy to note here, really.

Except the “Occupation” section.

Look closely.

(click to enlarge (that’s what she said))


Um.

Occupation…

McDonald’s ASSMAN?

Awesome.

Is this actually a position?!

And, if so…

Why the fuck am I working here?!

Oh. Yeah.

No zits and I can afford to buy gas.

But really…

Can I be a McDonald’s AssMan?!

I’m really more of a boob guy, but if this is all that’s open…

Wife: “I think he meant ‘Assistant Manager.’”

Um.

Oh.

Dammit.

I’m still calling Kentucky Fried Chicken, anyway.

They HAVE to have someone in charge of breasts.

Clear skin is overrated anyway.

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post Category: Actual Humor post Comments (0) postJuly 1, 2009

The Paniyiri Greek Festival celebrates Greek culture at Brisbane’s Musgrave Park and The Greek Club & Convention Centre. Expect Greek-themed food, wine and music, and an attempt at breaking the festival’s own “Zorba Till You Drop” dance marathon record.

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75 years ago today, on June 30, 1934, in Germany, the “Night of the Long Knives” or “Operation Hummingbird” took place - several hundred members of the SA (a paramilitary organization of the Nazi Party), including its leader Ernst RГ¶hm and other senior members of the Nazi Party were killed by the SS on the orders of Adolf Hitler, for allegedly being involved in a plot to assassinate him. Also killed that night were hundreds of other perceived opponents of Hitler, including Kurt von Schleicher and Gregor Strasser.
This destroyed all opposition within the Nazi Party, gave power to the brutal SS and it also showed the rest of the world what a tyrant Hitler was.

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Goes down like a fat kid with no arms on a birthday cake.

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It’s killing them. It is absolutely KILLING them!!! The DUmmies just can’t handle the enormous success of Fox News. What has sent them into a frenzy is a STORY in the Hollywood Reporter about the incredible success this year of Fox News, “Fox News set for best year yet.” It is just driving the DUmmies NUts and FUnniest of all are their lame excuses as to why Fox News is doing so well while the other cable news networks have their ratings in the toilet as you can see in this THREAD, “Fox News Set for Best Year Yet (CNN, MSNBC dip in ratings).” So let us now watch the DUmmies make hilarious excuses as to why Fox News is doing so well in Bolshevik Red while the commentary of your humble correspondent, noting that FNC unfortunately joined in on the wall-to-wall Michael Jackson death coverage, is in the [brackets]:

Fox News Set for Best Year Yet (CNN, MSNBC dip in ratings)

[Sniff! The two Obama-worshipping channels are sinking with their idol.]

Source: Hollywood Reporter

Fox News set for best year yet
Viewership solid as rivals take post-election hits

[But, hey, Mark Sanford got caught having an affair. Feel better now?]

By James Hibberd

Fox News is on track to have its most-watched year ever, showing significant ratings growth despite having just come off a highflying election year.

[Black mourning bands on sale here!]

With the second quarter coming to a close, Fox News averaged about the same number of viewers as the top three other cable news networks combined. And while rivals including CNN (-22%) and MSNBC (-18%) took hits following last quarter’s inauguration-fueled boost, Fox News (-3%) remained nearly steady.

Compared with last year, the Fox News (averaging 2.1 million viewers, 509,000 adults 25-54 quarter-to-date) is up 35% over last year in primetime viewers and 48% in the demo. CNN (805,000 viewers, 210,000 in demo) fell 16% in viewers and 29% in the demo. MSNBC (787,000 viewers, 259,000 in demo) climbed 15% in viewers and about on par, -3%, in the demo. And CNN Headline News (553,000, 201,000) showed very strong growth, up 39% and 37%, respectively, and is on track for its best second quarter.

The new standings are strong enough to rank Fox News third behind USA and TNT among all ad-supported cable networks for the quarter among primetime total viewers. In its core demo, Fox News had eight of the top 10 cable news shows. It had similarly sunny increases for total day, while CNN and MSNBC were roughly on par with last year.

Earning double-digit growth after an election year is quite a feat for a news network. With Fox News best known for such right-leaning personalities as Sean Hannity and Bill O’Reilly, one might assume having a Democrat in the White House somehow helps boost viewership.

[It helps not to be blindly worshiping The One like the other networks which only echo each other in their praise of the Mighty Ozbama.]

A dominant political party indeed can fuel the popularity of opposing voices — Comedy Central’s “The Daily Show With Jon Stewart” and “The Colbert Report” and liberal online news hubs Huffington Post and Daily Kos came to prominence during George W. Bush’s tenure, just as talk radio conservatives like Rush Limbaugh and news sites like Drudge Report rose during the Clinton years.

But it’s important to note that when Fox News took the ratings lead during the Bush era, some pundits declared that the network was winning only because a Republican was in charge. Those at the network get weary of outsiders assuming their success must be due to some fortunate external factor rather than their own day-to-day work.

[Heads, we WIN. Tails, we still WIN. And now on to the DUmmie excuses for Fox News success...]

the viewers of fox news have their exact parallel in the supporters of the ahmadenijad regime.

[This from the same DUmmies who were defending this moron's right to have nuclear weapons.]

Fox is bundled into cable packages. You can’t not get it. That is why they appear to have more viewership. they are in more places. However, in the important advertising demographics, they are failing.

[And you can't not get your own stupidity.]

CNN is on as many or more cable systems as Fox News. Also, in the 25-54 demographic, which is most important for advertisers, Fox is the number one cable news network by a mile. What you are saying is inaccurate.

[LOUSY FREEPER TROLL!!!]

My theory is that the right wingers who give Fox those big numbers watch a lot of TV. On the other hand, progressives don’t watch as much TV and spend more time on the Internet instead.

[Sorry for calling you a LOUSY FREEPER TROLL! It turns out you are really a DUMB DUMMIE MORON!!!]

Go to core Republican groups like small business owners and homeschoolers and you’ll hear talk radio on all day. Go to core Democratic voting blocks like inner cities and you’ll hear music on all day.

[Go to places where people WORK and you hear talk radio on all day.]

WTF? I understand CNN taking a hit, but MSNBC? Something’s very wrong here…

[Because MSNBC is just as devout in their Obama worship as MSNBC.]

F*ck Comcast! F*ck Faux Snooze, Rupert Murdock (isn’t he dead yet?) MSNBC should get a clue that people are sick of their private prison shit, while we’re at it.

[Stand by! Your padded cell is almost ready for you.]

It means the Fox viewers are too dumb to change the channel.

[Yes, they just haven't learned that incredible technological feat of hitting hitting the remote button.]

The corporate establishment creates a manufactured youth culture in order to prevent dissent of the youth. The youth are obessed with sextexting, trying to get laid, playing video games, and other tasks instead of taking the time and really knowing the truth. It is our job to use Facebook and other social networking tools to provide the youth with the resources that they need to create dissent.

[DUAC! DUAC!]

You know, most of us actually READ our news……. The no-neck droolers glued to Fox News…..well, not so much

[Chris Matthews is a thrill-leg drooler.]

All of the fundies huddle close to their TeeVees trying in vain to get out of the real world.

[Posted the DUmmie from inside the pile of empty pizza cartons within the dark recesses of mommie's basement.]

I believe that the Dem takeover has been a bonanza for Fox. A lot of anti-dem and anti-liberal people who never bothered to watch tv with Bush are now watching Fox so they can monitor the country falling apart.

[So how do you explain Fox News leading even when Bush was president? Or will answering that hurt your widdle head?]

I suspect that RWers, having no lives, watch TV in greater numbers than the rest of us, in terms of both time spent watching TV, and in percentage of individuals/households that actually watch TV. I mean, what would RWers do if they were not watching some inane TV show? Maybe go bowling? Go to an Aryan Nations meeting? Shoot up the local Post Office?

[Read the DUmmie FUnnies?]

Fox News Gets Higher Ratings Because They Deliver A Consevative Fantasy World Version of the News. Liberals don’t live in a bubble fantasy world, and as such, they don’t need Glen Beck or Sean or Billo to give them this conservo-facist-sexist-racist view of the world. This is also why AM radio does not work well for progressives.

[Posted the DUmmie from the bubble fantasy world of DUmmieland.]

They edit and twist everything to fit their WASPY agendas. Murdoch and the backers of FAKE NEWS could care less about the state of the country or the lives of its citizens. They just want control again, so they can keep fattening their pockets at the expense of real America. Unfortunately, they have “some” fooled into thinking they give a crap. My remote skips right over all of their bs shows. I want the facts. Real news. Which is why I check out a few online sites each day, and why I watch anything but the FAKE NEWS touted by their total hypocrites. Maybe one day soon their poor viewers will see the light and start realizing these “Christian”, “patriotic”, “family first”, “homophobic” phonies aren’t abstaining from anything but the truth. If you have the guts…do some research.

[Start the research at the Happy Farms asylum library.]

And I don’t need to watch them in order to know what they’re saying. I only need to log on to DU. Same with Free Republic. I’ve never once been over to their site, yet I know all about them. Half their watchers are rooting against them and aren’t fans. Without the opposition tuning in for their laugh of the day FOX would sink like rock.

[I bet you say that about the DUmmie FUnnies but read it all the time. Hee! Hee!]

They need to turn them off at Hotels. I travel a lot and about every hotel has fox news on in the lobby and in the breakfast area. For some reason there is a policy at hotels that make them all tune to Fox. You can ask for the station to be changes and I have, but it feels like a loosing battle sometimes.

[The is a vast rightwing circuit in all those TVs that turn them automatically to Fox News.]

I am not a big Fan of Fox news, but… the people who run those hotels are not stupid. If they have Fox News on it’s probably because it’s the most popular news channel with their customers. Since the hotels are running a business, of course they will put on the channel that more of their customers want. And since Fox News is the highest rated cable news channel, it seems reasonable to assume that the channel would also be popular among hotel guests.

[HERETIC!!!]

Fox news is left playing in hotels, hospital waiting rooms and other public areas because Fox solicited them to do it. Fox news was losing big amounts of money and viewership when they were 1st spawned. Their sales department went out and solicited those places to turn on Fake News.

[Or else they get a brick tossed through the window?]

Those f*cking hotels keep this shit on their tv screens because liberals and Dems are too busy or too scared to tell them it’s shit, it’s lies and if they want US to come stay in their f*cking hotels they’d turn that crap off!

[We win through intimidation. Turn off Fox News and you get a brick through your window.]

The last time I checked the ratings, Faux Noise was number 3.

[Did you also notice that Up was Down in your dimension?]

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Ah yes, here we have the one and only Bareback Exchange. A forum for gentlemen of the homosexual variety that for some reason want nothing other than to become infected with HIV. Why? I don’t know. Are they descriptive? Fuck yes. And if you’ve ever heard all of the cool kids saying “poz my neg ass” and wondered just what in the hell it meant, now you’ll know.

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